20.09.09

Hey, I'm back!

So, last time I wrote was June??? geez.... that's bad, even by my standards! There i was, thinking all i was gonna' have to do was recount our tales of August... how the hell am I meant to remember what I've been doing for the past THREE months?????

Hell, I'm not even gonna try!.. It's all in the photo albums anyway!

So, yeah, August... always a nice busy social time because The Hubz's work commitments lessen but this year we managed to cram more in that Brandon Routh did donning the Red n Blue suit! (if you need time to think & work that one out then i reckon you're in the wrong place!).

Brighton Pride - in a word - WET. Not just any old wet though, it was a wetness of Biblical proportions. By tea-time it had ceased to be fun and our smiles getting harder to fake so we called it a day. In all fairness though, considering The UK's lame excuse for a Summer, it was the only day in August where rain stopped play. We threw our house open for a Patio Party which was immense fun and the only soaking to occur was when the chocolate fountain exploded all over poor Rob (he was good to lick for days after!) and days out to the likes of Cambridge and Rochester proved very therapeutic. Quirky old Historic towns - it's what England does best!

Pleasant company at home with friends staying over and the occasional jaunt into Soho all helped in making August a bumper fun-filled month.

September's been pretty good so far too. I've decided that Rochester is my new favourite place so back we went for a Medieval Fayre and then, the following week, the suposedly cancelled Soho Pride popped up - it was all very last minute with very little promotion and a different name! Haven't the foggiest what happened there, after the organisers were citing 'economic climate' and 'roadworks around Soho' as reasons for cancelling. It may have popped up a month later than Soho Pride normally happens and it may have had a different name but the darn event was indentical. Was great fun though (and alot more civilised than the previous year!).

Shed a few tears last week.....

Back when I was a kid, whilst most of my mates were hanging around street corners causing trouble, I was in the kitchen.All I wanted to do was cook and create and, luckily, I had a very encouraging Mother who would let me get on with the family meals whilst she could put her feet up. Saturday nights were the best. I'd spend all day planning & preparing. It was 50:50 where I'd end up after school but my love of photography won over so it was Art College and not Catering School. A decision that has often been regretted over the years. Anyway, i'm digressing... my love of food and it's creation was basically down to one man.... a crazy charismatic lush in a bow tie on TV who inspired, not just me, but an entire generation of professionals... Mr Keith Floyd.

Irony strikes - A heart attack killed him after one of his favourite meals that had been prepared for him to celebrate the news that he had beaten the cancer.

A true hero to me and a thousand others.He'll be sorely missed.

Onwards and upwards.... he passed away quickly and a happy man. By all accounts, the drinking should have finished his liver off years ago so he had a pretty good run for someone with the lifestyly he was accustomed to.

The transistion of Summer into Autumn approaches. I wish you all a smooth one! xx

07.06.09

I found my Holy Grail!.. I think we all have one, some folk's are easier to find than others... mine came in a bottle from Spain, lol!

Yes, I am well aware of how sad this is going to make me sound but....

For years I have been on a mission to find the same CHILLIE SAUCE that TGI Fridays use on their chicken wings! (Yes, I am aware that the easiest thing to do would have been to ask them what it was!). Dominos Pizza then got in on the act and started using the same sauce as a dipping sauce for their kickers. I'd buy in bulk everytime we ordered a pizza!.. geez, it's heavenly!

Anyways, for years I have been picking up various chilly sauces but none came close to 'the one' but then, last night, oh joy of joys! - I found it! Not only that,but,it had been under my very nose for the past year!

On our last trip to Spain, I had picked up a few various sauces to bring home (I love Spanish supermarkets and there different brands of stuff you can't get here). The Balsamic and the BBQ sauces both got used but the Salsa Patatas Bravas has been languishing in the larder (on account of I tend to make my own sauces most of the time). Imagine my pant wetting excitement when I tried it for the first time to find it was identical to TGI's Chillie sauce and not the tomato based sauce with a hint of warmth that you would expect from a sauce designed for patatas bravas! The Hubz was less than impressed and his stomach reacted instantly - it was cruel of me to ask him to try it without informing him of it's obvious pure chillie content!

So yes, I have found my Grail (and yes, i really do need to get out more!).

In other news, May was wrapped up beautifully with the Mind Body Spirit festival (and yes, another skull!) and an evening of wonderful company over at The Green Man. A brief show of Summer in The UK meant a few days of out-and-aboutness with the picnic bag and generally being at one with nature which is always hugely enjoyable. Oh, and finally, the bedroom is finished! - We've been waiting for bloody months on the curtains but all is now complete and it's a wonderful space. I've thrown some photos into May's photo album for those of you with an enquistive nature!

Oh, very dissapointing news in that there is to be no Soho Pride this year. The present economic situation and Crossrail construction in the area are being blamed. Amsterdam Pride is no longer on the cards for us for various unforseen reasons so that just leaves Brighton but we'll make it a blindin' one (and my kilt is ready to go!)... Gonna miss the hot friendly strangers in alley ways though... la la la!

Ya'lls keep smiling and have a fab June! xx

04.05.09

Happy May Day! (Erm, despite the fact it's the 4th of May, the first Monday so traditionally, the Bank Holiday when most folk will celebrate).

We were in The Cotswolds for the actual date and were hoping to catch some Beltane celebrations but alas, it would seem there are very few pagans around who stick rigidgly to calendar dates. A nice touch over at The Rollright Stones though - trinkets and ribbons hanging from a Southerly facing tree along the edge of the circle left over from obvious celebrations there on Beltane Eve.

Anyway, so yeah... The Cotswolds. Just one of the things we crammed into April and our much needed break...

(Here comes the 'tales-of-woe' part!.......)

It was a tough month work-wise. I found myself under alot of stress with very little support. Before my break though, I was promised that things will change upon my return and I remain forever optomistic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not shirking away from the hard work, it's just certain approaches and certain people's attitudes could be different.

Stresses of other natures haven't helped either. Obviously there's Mum (who is now half way through the chemo and, despite the occasional falter and 'dark place', is holding up remarkable well)

We appear to be going through some sort of 'transitional period' regarding our friendships. Some of which are hurting big time. It's true, neither The Hubz nor me have been as 'social' this year as previous years. Our get-togethers have been fewer than usual due to financial restraints and family obligations but we still try and keep in contact as much as we can. We've recently had a 'rocky' patch with someone very dear to us as I questioned his motives over a situation and he became very defensive about it. This one, in time, will rectify itself - we have all been together and too close for too long for permenant damage. No, it's another friendship that's causing the greatest hurt and I have to stop kidding myself that things will be great again...

Rob and I have been very lucky over the years to get to know some awesome people, many of which are now life long friends. You then have a small category of people that, although you shared some great times, they were just wonderful moments and won't be repeated. A good example of this is a young guy over in America who, a couple of years ago, got the chance to break from a jazz gig in Europe to skip over to the UK for a few days. We had an amazing time together and he truly touched our hearts. As we said our goodbyes a few days later, we all realised that we would probably not have this moment again. We are still all in touch thanks to the modern wonders of the www but are realistic whenever discussing the possibilities of meeting again.

We have had to accept that 2 other guys who came into our lives a year ago were just 'wonderful moments'. I think we're kidding ourselves by denying that we aren't drifting apart and it hurts like hell. There are only so many times Rob or I can chase. Friendships are meant to be 2 way things. We haven't heard anything from one of the guys in over 3 weeks (and considering we turned up on his doorstep for his birthday last year, the very least I thought was that i'd get some sort of message for mine the other week - at least Lee managed that one!). MSN messages go unanswered so if I want any contact with Lee, then the only way I can do that is by logging onto a chat site but he doesn't have the time for us that he once did. Every trip we had planned this year revolved around them and now we are left feeling sad and somewhat stupid for letting our hearts get the better of us.

Oh, yeah, my Birthday... probably the most 'un-birthday' Birthday I've ever had coz i was at work for the day on a particuarly heavy day. Rob was then working the evening so no celebrations there either.(Geez, i was soooo pissed off that day!). However, all was not lost! - we had early celebrations the Saturday prior. No usual Soho madness, just a civilised evening with our closest friends. Great conversation, wonderful food and the best company I could ask for. Oh, and of course, a week away to look foward to after one more hectic work week....

... Our week away that was suppposed to be in Holland, was spent, instead, exploring our green and pleasant land (with a couple of Theme Parks thrown in to keep The Hubz happy!). It culminated in three days spent at Timmy's place, up in The Cotswolds. Timmy is an absolute star and a total constant in our lives. We've been through some crap together over the years but we always come out the other side smiling. It couldn't have been easy for him knowing that we were only there, initially, because our Dutch trip fell through but in a way I'm glad it did. For many years now, we've always had an April trip to Warwickshire and no matter if it's for a week or just a few days, it always brightens the soul.

So, back to normality tomorrow, apparently refreshed and invigourated by the week's break. At least it was a week to look back on knowing that they weren't just 'wonderful moments' never to be repeated...

..A constant in our lives. These 'constants' should never be taken for granted.

05.04.09

Got through March - result!

Feels like it goes on for bloody ever. Being paid monthly doesn't help either - a 5 working week month til pay day isn't fun!

Anyways, we survived. Funny month, actually, with not a single trip into Soho. A friend of mine remarked that I didn't appear to be missing it. Think he was right.

We'd had some upset at the end of February that had left us both feeling a little bit damaged and certainly not in the mood to be out in town facing the crowd.(Happy to report though that the upset is being resolved and all parties concerned are looking for an even stronger friendship). So, instead of Soho we retreated, very much, into our house and turned our attentions to decorating.

The bedroom has been in need of a make over for some time. 10 years ago, midnight blues and purples seemed like a good idea but, over recent years, we had come to loathe our original choice.

It's been fun. Choosing a new colour scheme, new fabrics, furnishings, wall decorations and even a new bed (larger, wa-hey!!!!). Frustratingly, we are still holed up in the spare room as the bed is out of stock and we ain't moving back into the room til it's there. It's a nice space right now - very calming to chill out in.

We realised, with the 'new room' being assembled that it was alot more minimal than had previously been. With this in mind and enjoying the less cluttered environment, we turned the same thoughts to the rest of the house... this is a mamouth task - years and years of nic-nacs and pointless clutter to get shot of but you'd be amazed the crap people buy on E Bay! We're making enough money selling old belongings to cover the cost of the paint and fabrics. By the time we have finished, we may have even covered the cost of the bed.

I'll quit with the 'changing rooms' speil now before you're all bored rigid!.....

One fabulous Saturday in March (that wasn't spent cruising IKEA) was spent down in Southend when the sun decided to bravely show it's head. Not had a 'perfect moment' for some time but, cruising along the sea front, with the new Pet Shop Boys disc in the CD player, well, for one brief moment, everything in the world was perfect! (- The new album, 'Yes' is awesome by the way - after a few albums that were obviously "we're a bit middle-aged now and not entirley comfortable" the boys have come back with a "fuck it, yeah, we're middle-aged but we don't give a toss and can knock out blinding classic PSB pop that can wipe the floor with all you young whipper-snappers!").

Also got to see Mum that Saturday (albeit briefly). The only day in a whole month - I'd spent weeks being told "No, sorry, I'm not up to visitors". The chemo is really taking it's toll and energy levels at an all time low. We visited for an hour but it was apparent that it was a struggle for her. My heart breaks and I just feel so helpless. It's not just Mum's fight but the whole family's. Unfortunately it's Mum that has to do most of the battling. The rest of us are like the reserve guard, there when she needs us (and is up to it). Easter Weekend (next weekend) is, traditionally, a time when we all get together and, despite Mum's tiredeness and sickness, is determined that Easter goes ahead as usual. We have lots of Birthday celebrations in April that are all culminated in our weekend celebrations but it's also a time to remember those that we have lost at this time of year. This year is going to be tough as we shall remember Mary (as we always do) - Mum's Sister who lost her life, 9 years ago this very week, to the very disease that Mum is currently fighting. We also all have to 'act normal' and not mention the 'C' word as Mum chose not to tell the grandchildren about what she is going through. Most of them are just old enough to understand but not at an adult level and it will distress them too much. Slight worry that they don't actually buy the whole 'Gran has alapecia' number, what with Jade Goody's life, and sadly, death being so prominent in the press. Kids ain't that dumb (and they do know what Auntie Mary died of).

It's tough but it's all good... Mum isn't sick from the cancer.. Mum is sick from the healing, the thing that is saving her life. Positive thinking.

Easter also marks Mum's 'halfway' point with the chemo. Get past that point and she can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My folks can start planning all the amazing things that they're going to do next year after this year was 'put on hold'.

2nd biggest kicker in March,after not being able to visit Mum as often as I'd wished, was realising that Holland wasn't happening in April but I've got to stop being selfish about this...

...Lee has spent over 3 months out of work and has, only recently, found employment again. Unforunately, regarding our plans, this means he is not entitled to any holiday for the first 2 months and he doesn't want to rock the boat. The way to look at this, however, is for someone to slap me!... So, we have to put our plans on hold for a bit but hey, so what?.. Lee is working again!.. I know how rough it is to be out of work for so long and in this current climate, that worry must be ten fold. Not only that, but with him and Thom parting company earlier this year, he didn't even have that vital support of a partner which is something I have always had. No.1 has to be get Lee sorted and secure again. The guys are always gonna' be there, as we are for them. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it will make the next reunion even sweeter.

Me and the Hubz had secured the week off from work but hadn't yet bought the air tickets. We're still keeping that week booked, as traditionally, we have always gotten away for my Birthday. Tradition (for many years now) has meant only one place - The Cotswolds, where my soul is happiest. With some last minute juggling of time-off rotas by Timmy, it looks like we can keep that tradition going another year and, for 3 outta' the 7 days booked, we're heading to Warwickshire and my soul's spiritual home!

Guys.. enjoy April, celebrate the Spring and, most importantly, those that you love?... make sure they know it.

Neil xxxx

02.03.09

February is always such a fabulously short fly-by-month that I rarely have the chance to sit down and write whilst the month is in progress (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)

As Februaries go, under the circumstances, it was pretty good!

We had one week, in particular, to look foward to - that week being a week of celebrations to mark The Hubz' 40th Birthday. Falling mid-week, meant we could choose which weekend to celebrate the event. Rob chose both!

Plans were afoot, some time ago, to get the guyz from Holland over, to surprise Rob but, unfortunately, with their change of circumstance, it wasn't possible so it didn't take much persuasion for us to jump on a plane and visit them instead.

The only thing I needed to be sure about, before going away, was that Mum was ok so we popped down to see her prior to our leaving.

Mum has good days and bad days. If she is to expect visitors then she prefers the morning when she has energy as by the afternoon, she can be a bit flaky. The chemo sessions are still early stages and have yet to really take their toll. Mum is remaining optomistic and just wants to reach that 'halfway' mark with the treatment as, from there, she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The Radiotherapy that is to follow the chemo doesn't seem to phase her one bit. she believes that after getting through the chemo that anything else will be a walk in the park.

So, yeah, with Mum pretty chirpy that morning I was happy about going away for a few days.

They were pretty chilled days with a bit of deadly clubbing thrown in for good measure (Note to self: in future, KEEP AWAY FROM THE POLE!)....

Regrettably, after possibly several Bacardis too many and with the DJ furnishing my request of Billie Ray Martin's 'Your Loving Arms' part of my idiot brain decided what great fun it would be to take to the pole. It wasn't so much 'dancing around the pole' as 'swinging like a lunatic monkey on crack' around and around and around....

I didn't feel anything at first. That joy came a few hours later and continues at the time of writing 8 days later.

I have a torn bloody muscle above my rib cage. It's been a long time since i've known an injury to be so painful.

Despite the injury, it didn't stop us from more celebrations once back home and a wonderful night at G.A.Y Bar on Saturday with our mates who ensured Rob had a brilliant time (and apologies to all for me avoiding intense cuddles and screaming 'don't touch me'!).

March is upon us now. A long month before payday and a pretty empty diary at the mo. It'll probably stay that way as April is always full to the brim and plans already in place.

Thankfully, those plans don't include poles on dancefloors in intimate Dutch clubs....

25.01.09

Ok, so this is kinda' cheating and not something I've done before...I felt that my first entry for 2009 was so negative and down (and badly written because of my mood) that I have deleted it. I'm writing it again.

It will still sound not-so-great but I am actually feeling alot more positive than I was a few weeks ago and, regarding Mum, I have the whole story now and not just Dad's panicked half truths he blurted out on the phone to me on New Year's Day (but more on that later). So, January 2009, take two!...

It has to be said that the Hubz and I didn't exactly have a great Christmas and New Year but it was alot better than some had...

It didn't help that, over Christmas, we were both sick with colds. it made Christmas a rather muted affair. The mood, for me, went drastically downhill on Boxing Day. We were getting ready to head down to my folk's place for the big 'family thing' when the news broke of a legend's passing. When you read past this account at what else was going on, you may find this bit trivial but, for me, it was a major deal...

...It's true, I do worship alot of people, celebrities that have had an impact in my life. On Christmas Day, the celebrity I worshipped above all others (except for Marc Almond) passed away. The woman once described by Orson Welles as 'The Most Exciting Woman in The World' - Eartha Kitt.

It's impossible to describe exactly why I found her so incredible. I loved her music, her image, her presence. Eartha was totally unique. I was lucky enough to have seen her perform several times and one of my most treasured memories is that of a performance at Ciao Baby, a weekly night at The Fridge, in Brixton, many moons ago. I made sure I was in the front row when Eartha was prowling the stage and, like everyone else in that front row, I was reaching out my hands towards her. I was one of those hands that Eartha grabbed. Not only that, she looked deep into my eyes and growled - right into my very soul. Cloud Nine? geez.. I shot way past that!

So, yeah, I found boxing Day with the family very difficult and even had to leave the table in tears at one point because 'Santa Baby' came over the stereo (the only time of year you hear Eartha on the radio these days!).

The week between Christmas and New Year did nothing to lift my spirits as our attentions turned to 2 dear friends of ours...

...Last year, Rob and I were lucky enough to meet two guys who had a profound effect upon our lives. The four of us share an unconditional love and had so many wonderful things planned for 2009, intending to spend as much of the year together as finances and holiday entitlement would allow.

Between Christmas and New Year, however, these 2 incredible guys decided that they needed time apart from each other - things were not all as they seemed in their relationship and it was causing harm. During this time, Rob and I spoke to them both and did what we could but, at the end of the day, the decision was not ours to take and on New Years Eve, we received THAT phonecall.

They were out together for the night, on their way to a party and were terribly upbeat and matter-of-fact about it - the week apart was to become permanent. Somewhat naively, they told Rob and I not to worry and their parting would not affect the plans that the 4 of us had for the coming year - that they would both come together in order to spend time with us. (Not something that any future boyfriends may be best pleased about I imagine).

We'll have to wait and see I guess. Alot can change before our first visit is due. For now, both Rob and I, although understanding why the decision had to be made, remain heartbroken - not from the thought of our plans changing, but purely for the love we have for these two beautiful people and the sadness that brought them to this decision.

Another kick in the gut was to follow. The biggest kick of all...

I received half the story in a telephone conversation with my dad on New Year's Day. A week later, when i was down in Benfleet visiting my folks, Mum took me to one side and told me the truth....

It transpired that, back in November, Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. My parents then made the conscious decision not to tell anyone until after the festivities as they 'didn't want to ruin anyone else's Christmas'. I cannot begin to comprehend what they went through over Christmas. Organising the big Family get-to-together whilst keeping this horrible 'secret'.

Between Christmas and The New Year, Mum underwent a gruelling operation that, several weeks on, she is still recovering from. As well as a lump, 23 lymph glands were removed, seven of which were cancerous. She now has 6 months of chemotherapy followed by 3 months of radiotherapy ahead of her. In order to make her well again, the treatment will make her very sick and she needs all the supoport she can get. Thankfully, we are a very close family and there is no question that this support is on hand. It's going to be a very testing year for all of us.

Both my sister and I are on hand as much as we can be, not only for Mum, but also to give dad a break. As great as my dad is, he has always rellied heavily on Mum and now, to be in a position where, not only has he got to keep the house together but Mum as well, it is taking it's toll.

I've just returned from Benfleet and am in a much more positive mood than I was last time. Mum was a little more mobile this time and certainly more chirpy. It was also cool because she had asked me to 'find a crystal for her' so all of my spare time last week was taken up with my stones and working out what would help her. We sat down last night with the stones I had choosen and went through what she needed to do with them. She has now asked me for meditation techniques, CDs etc so, right now, I really feel that I'm playing a positive role in her recovery (and a big YAY to my Mum for being so cool and being into all this Holistic Hippy stuff!). It was easier staying stronger for her this time round. When I returned home the other week I just cried for hours as soon as I'd shut the front door. being strong for someone and not showing how frightened you are inside - not always easy.

Please, I don't want you to read all this and think 'Oh my god'. It's ok, after the initial shock we are all pulling together and being incredibly strong and positive. It's this strength that will get Mum through this.

So yeah, not the easiest of starts to 2009 but Rob and I have always been up for a challenge........